What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
13.06.2025 00:37
I was seconnd youngest,
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
(And it was in our own minds.)
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Have you made a female relative or friend squirt?
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Ive learnt so much.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
iFixit says the Switch 2 is even harder to repair than the original - The Verge
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
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As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Who then, do I blame.?
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
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He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Comes on , in middle age.
I will be 64.
What thing happened to you as a child that you haven’t let go of to this day?
When she asked me how she looked .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
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All the time i was locked up.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
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As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
What is so great about Jiraiya?
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
My mum and dad in the seventies!
And i lived it daily.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I have the power to talk to aliens through using telepathy. Why do people think I'm crazy?
She married twice! .
But ive been too sick for many years..
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
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He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
But it wasn’t much.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I said to her
He knew the spot.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
She was in good health!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I waited trembling.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I write beautiful poetry .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
One cannot live in the past .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Was to survive, this bastard.
My family never makes their pension either.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I was 9 years of age.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I was very sick at this time too.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Why did i forgive my father ?
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
She wouldn,t have been !
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
We were not on the streets..
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
She found it foreign!.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
What did i know ?
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
My life is so biszare .
I think the readers, may guess!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
It was going to be , some day.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
So, i spoilt her more .
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
We all went to grammer schools
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
So whats the point in blame.
Im still living with it.
But, we were locked up after school.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
This is soul school!.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I have no regrets .
As i do to all so called friends.?
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I was scared of men, in general
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I don,t even have a pension.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
He resisted the act ,that day.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I could never make a relationship work though!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
She loved him until the end.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Put me off passion for life!!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Would this be the day?
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I know ,a lot about trauma.